a plague of both your houses

running list of things to do:

1. go camping
2. go to a carnival/fair
3. stay in a hotel
4. go to warped tour
5. go to baseball game


i spoke with my younger brother the other day. we talked about how we can't remember much of our childhoods. we have spent several years blocking out all the painful things that happened to us, that we accidentally blocked out the happy things too...

i wish i could go back. i wish we could go back, without the fear and pain.

but there are things i remember. my mum helping me run my lemonade stand. and me helping her with her garden, that was my favorite. i remember falling asleep with my window open and my dog laying next to me. or when my youngest brother and i sat on our roof one fourth of july, with a blanket, watching fireworks alone. i remember making rafts in the pond and the ditch. and catching crawdads. and running through cornfields with my cousins. and feeding reindeer cheese puffs. i remember wanting to run away, and hiding my journal under my bed. i remember going to work with my step dad. and walking to the arcade with my neighbors. i remember the smell of insulation, and enchilada casserole. i remember skylights and saturday morning cartoons. i remember sneaking out, and staying up late watching the disney channel. i remember rearranging my bedroom and feeling renewed. i remember sledding. and sitting in the tee-pee my step dad made us.


i don't want to forget...

saturday

random thoughts:

1. the new job is great. i feel so much better about myself as a person, finally having the kind of job i have dreamed about for so long. i feel accomplished...all my hard work and persistence is paying off. i have my own desk, my own supplies, paid time off, vacations, health insurance, etc. i'm finally feeling like an adult. now i just need my own home and i'll be set.

2. i'm dreaming of summer. i usually hate summer, but some part of me is craving it. it's not the same part that hates my chubby legs and cellulite...but it's there. some remote part of me craving picnics in the park, iced drinks, summer dresses, windows rolled down, dark skin. i really must go camping this summer. idk when i'll have the time off work..but i wanna do it.

3. i need a hobby. potential list includes: martial arts, krav mag, knitting, yoga... any ideas? idk. knitting for sure is gonna happen...once i figure out where to start. krav mag and martial arts and yoga are pretty expensive...so i'm gonna have to just pick one to start with i think. something to do after work that'll kick me in shape. it needs to kinda take up some of my weekend time too.

4. back to summer, in relation to the posted picture, i wanna go to a fair/carnival this year. so i'm planning early. i wanna do things. it's kinda me 'new years resolution'...to do things. to experience life and enjoy it this year. last year it seemed like i knew of everything that was happening too late. this year i'm gonna keep up on events and actually do things. maybe even do things i was not into before. might try going to warped tour or something. even though i have always kinda thought it was dumb. why not try it? i REALLY wish i could travel, but i doubt that's in the future what with mine and kevin's jobs :(

time to go pay bills and get my nails done...

running list of things to do:

1. go camping
2. go to a carnival/fair
3. stay in a hotel
4. go to warped tour

heart vs. ??

i get love. i get how it works, i'm good at love. i love love. it's friendship that has me stumped. i can't make friends. i can't keep the friends i had. i don't even really get along with most people. sometimes i wonder if it's my age. or my walk in life. or my general attitude. i don't know. and i don't care most of the time. i don't have time to care. hence why i don't have friends. why do friends demand that you hangout three times a week and that you text message constantly? i just want a friend who is there when they have time, when i have time. a friend who just gets it. someone i don't have to explain everything to. someone like the best friend i used to have, the one i successfully pushed out of my life.

today on the bus a girl sat next to me. we talked about our lives, our boyfriends, our families, our jobs, school. it felt so good. i haven't talked to a girl in so long. she laughed and i smiled. it felt nice to just talk to a stranger who wasn't so strange. i didn't get her name. i know where she works. she probably has tons of friends. and i guess i do have a few guy friends. but guy friends aren't the same. they're...guys.

i don't know how to explain it. it sounds weird to myself. how can i be a girl who doesn't at the very least have a girl best friend... let alone a group of girl friends? gosh...

i miss this...