heart vs. ??

i get love. i get how it works, i'm good at love. i love love. it's friendship that has me stumped. i can't make friends. i can't keep the friends i had. i don't even really get along with most people. sometimes i wonder if it's my age. or my walk in life. or my general attitude. i don't know. and i don't care most of the time. i don't have time to care. hence why i don't have friends. why do friends demand that you hangout three times a week and that you text message constantly? i just want a friend who is there when they have time, when i have time. a friend who just gets it. someone i don't have to explain everything to. someone like the best friend i used to have, the one i successfully pushed out of my life.

today on the bus a girl sat next to me. we talked about our lives, our boyfriends, our families, our jobs, school. it felt so good. i haven't talked to a girl in so long. she laughed and i smiled. it felt nice to just talk to a stranger who wasn't so strange. i didn't get her name. i know where she works. she probably has tons of friends. and i guess i do have a few guy friends. but guy friends aren't the same. they're...guys.

i don't know how to explain it. it sounds weird to myself. how can i be a girl who doesn't at the very least have a girl best friend... let alone a group of girl friends? gosh...

i miss this...