changes

mmm i haven't really been writing this week cause i'm gonna change my blogs up a bit. this one is basically gonna stay the same, i'm just going to use it as a journal/diary. i started a blog of the things i want. i'm debating on whether i should start another one for fashion and one for art, or just keep those in here too. i think i'll start a new one. i'm working on figuring out how to just make my own website. that way i can have my journal type thing there and kinda just link out to my other stuff. i know it's silly since no one really reads my blogs, but you gotta make a name for yourself somewhere, and consistent with the name of this blog, i need a release.

shock, shock..to your soft side.

alright. first day update on my goal list from yesterday:




1. to pay off debt, i must better organize my finances. as in change the day my car payment is due, so i don't start the month with no money, live frugally, get paid and wanna blow it all because i just spent the whole month eating ramen. so. tomorrow i am going to the bank and getting that squared away.
2. it'll only cost me 25 bucks a month to reinstate my gym membership with 24 hour. but first i have to make sure i'll actually use it this time.
3. dilemma. pay off credit cards first, or school first? shit.
4. looking at joining aikido on march 8th. i'm super freaked out to do it alone though, but i literally have no one to ask to do it with me. so annoying.
5. thinking about doing my first tan this evening. there's a place in cherry creek, it's expensive but no contracts. if i had that damned gym membership, i remember their tanning service not being too expensive.
6. loose diet as in...i got a quad venti SUGAR FREE soy latte today. okay. i know i can do better than that. my jeans are getting tighter by the day. WTF.
7. i will begin pulling some A's by dedicating four hours to studying while at work today. voila!
8. wardrobe update= expensive. so i'm gonna start with cleaning out what i have, looking for outfit ideas in lookbooks, checking out savers next weekend and DOING LAUNDRY.
9. as for hair. that one has to wait a few more weeks until i get paid again and make an appointment with my lovely stylist. i am thinking of doing it a bit darker this time. my head is the color of brass. i'm well aware i came out of the womb with red hair, but the intense blond highlights didn't exactly help my cause.

-to be tacked onto my gym membership to motivate me a bit more is to be able to wear a bathing suit this year. everyone always bitches at me when i say i can't wear a swimsuit telling me i'm not fat. welp folks, i never claimed to be fat. and every time i try on a bathing suit, people understand. i am of average weight and height... but not of average...distribution, so to speak. basically i was blessed with great skin, straight teeth and perfect eyesight. god however decided to humble me with thunder thighs. it's in my family. and we're known for not wearing swimsuits. no one likes saddle bags. so- gonna try and work those puppies down. that's right. i just called my thighs puppies. at this rate i'll be smoking virginia slims and spending my friday evenings playing bingo in no time!

i think that this summer, i may pick up a second part-time job once school is out. just something to afford some fun-time now that i'm looking at a hefty rent.

speaking of which. i need to invest in a parking space. seriously, there is NO street parking at our new place.

we started moving last night, i think it's stressing kevin out more than it is me. i decided to just let go yesterday. let him have it his way. i mean fuck it. it's not worth it and he's taking this shit way too seriously. idk. that's him though. i guess i just gotta know when to give in. it kinda sucks though. decorating my living space is one of my favorite things to do, if not my all-time favorite thing. but that's being in a relationship. you lose things that make you the happiest and find new ones. so he can keep his furniture, and decorate however he wants, but that will come at a price.

my conversation with heather this morning kind of inspired me to play music again. but that means one of two things, i either have to mooch off someone else's expensive stuff or buy my own. gag.


ALRIGHTTTTT@!
i just paid my bills and have a little cash left over. i can eat for the next two weeks and maybe even do something fun lol. i cannot wait until my deposit and debt are paid off. i'm actually going to be making enough money to enjoy life.

so i need to come up with a healthy lunch option that is preferably cheaper than my current one. i'm gonna get on that for sure.


i need to start writing about other people than myself again. haha

yeah...yeah.

my eyes are heavy today. i just woke up two hours ago and already need a nap. i just keep telling myself that everything will be okay and everything will work out for the best. no matter what happens...

i guess we officially start moving today. meaning i'll probably be up late and tomorrow won't be fun, but it'll be good to start getting this over with.

i remember when this city used to be so amazing to me. it wasn't all that long ago, either. two years maybe? i used to walk around with my eyes opened wide. now i'm just kind of... disinterested. sure, there's plenty i don't know about in this town. and oodles of adventure i have yet to experience, but it just doesn't feel like enough.

i feel change coming on. it's time for me to start feeling better about myself. i am finally making money so i actually have some options.

1. pay off debt. this is always a goal. ugh fuck my spending habits.
2. get a gym membership
3. pay off school
4. do something fun. like yoga. or martial arts. for realz though.
5. fall asleep in a tanning bed. i know i make fun of girls who do it but jeez, my legs are disgusting white.
6. go on a loose diet.
7. pull some a's in my classes
8. clean out and update my wardrobe
9. figure out some sort of actual style for my hair, cause right now i look like a third grader whose parents don't give two shits about haircuts.


i deserve to feel good about myself. now if only i could make it so there were more hours in the day i'd be set.

el sol en mis ojos

when i was several years younger, i used to lay in the front yard in my shorts and a tee shirt. or maybe in a sun dress. and i'd stare up into the sun and wait for it to make me feel whole again.

i'd slow my breathing and focus on the individual touch of each blade of grass as it gave way to my weight, or caressed my skin; giving thanks to my presence.

and i'd first squint, then i'd close my eyes and my eyelids would go from black to orange.

every time a cloud would block the sun i would wait patiently for it to return.

all the while i would think. well mostly i'd dream. and make plans. and come up with schemes. i was a schemer. i made lots of plans so my days would never blend together.

sometimes my soft black dog would lay with me. i would prop my head up on the side of her belly and let her hind legs wrap around my shoulder. she used to be my best friend.

i hate growing up.
i wish she was still my best friend.
but we've both changed.

maybe i will go see her tonight.

ashes

the last time i ever saw my dad he was in a little box, covered in black velvet. all that was left of him was four handfuls of ashes. my mom and i escorted him down to his favorite river bank and helped him out of his box. we laid him afloat on the water and watched him head downstream.

how could he burn down to only being four handfuls big? i don't know, but i've never liked it. he was so much more to me.

so much more than four handfuls of dad. but that's all that was left. four handfuls of ash and a few bigger knobs of bone left. no bright blue eyes, or sandy brown hair. no freckles and the nose identical to mine. no chest to hug, no feet to follow...just some ashes.

of course i know that that's all we end up being. that when we die there's nothing left. but the impact he made on our lives. how tall he stood when he was here. his big comforting smile. it all becomes nothing.

i don't know how to explain it.
how can i justify my irrational awe?

i miss him.

all i have is a wallet and some pens that were in his pockets and a big coat that doesn't smell like him anymore. they took everything else. i, his only child, wasn't even entitled to a tee-shirt... or pictures. or anything. just what the hospital had.

i can't even find an obituary. it's like he never actually existed. not in life and not in death.
he doesn't have a headstone.
no grave.

i don't wake up everyday and see the home we lived in.
there's a small collection of photos, that i never get to see.

no dog of his.
no friends.
i don't even really know his family.

in fact, i'm not even 100% sure of how he died.

you make me feel

it's safe to say that over the past year we've been through everything. i have grown, you have grown. and here we are. we've laughed together and cried together and danced together and drank together. but there is still so much for us to do. and now you are stressed and i am stressed.

i know things aren't going to get easier for a while. and i also know we haven't seen the worst yet.

i'm just hoping you'll stick by my side through it all.

and i know you don't read this. and i know that you probably have no idea how much i love you. i know that you're scared and upset...just like me. and i wish i could do something more than i've done.

but this is about us. not you, not me...us. and i have done what i can do. the next few days promise to be stressful no matter what happens. but this time...for the first time ever, i am strong. and prepared for just about anything. and that means a lot to me. because for the first time i am scared, but i am in control of my life. i may have finally learned how to be alone. i don't know, and won't for sure until it's put to the test...i hope that is later rather than sooner. but i am confident in that.

my new favorite feeling is when i am riding the bus and the sun comes through the windows over the tops of buildings. it's so bright... i love to see everyone squint.

faith

please don't let me down now. we've come so far, and have so far yet to go. i know it's going to be hard. and i know you have to choose. but please, please don't let me down. i can't lose you now.