el sol en mis ojos

when i was several years younger, i used to lay in the front yard in my shorts and a tee shirt. or maybe in a sun dress. and i'd stare up into the sun and wait for it to make me feel whole again.

i'd slow my breathing and focus on the individual touch of each blade of grass as it gave way to my weight, or caressed my skin; giving thanks to my presence.

and i'd first squint, then i'd close my eyes and my eyelids would go from black to orange.

every time a cloud would block the sun i would wait patiently for it to return.

all the while i would think. well mostly i'd dream. and make plans. and come up with schemes. i was a schemer. i made lots of plans so my days would never blend together.

sometimes my soft black dog would lay with me. i would prop my head up on the side of her belly and let her hind legs wrap around my shoulder. she used to be my best friend.

i hate growing up.
i wish she was still my best friend.
but we've both changed.

maybe i will go see her tonight.