shock, shock..to your soft side.

alright. first day update on my goal list from yesterday:




1. to pay off debt, i must better organize my finances. as in change the day my car payment is due, so i don't start the month with no money, live frugally, get paid and wanna blow it all because i just spent the whole month eating ramen. so. tomorrow i am going to the bank and getting that squared away.
2. it'll only cost me 25 bucks a month to reinstate my gym membership with 24 hour. but first i have to make sure i'll actually use it this time.
3. dilemma. pay off credit cards first, or school first? shit.
4. looking at joining aikido on march 8th. i'm super freaked out to do it alone though, but i literally have no one to ask to do it with me. so annoying.
5. thinking about doing my first tan this evening. there's a place in cherry creek, it's expensive but no contracts. if i had that damned gym membership, i remember their tanning service not being too expensive.
6. loose diet as in...i got a quad venti SUGAR FREE soy latte today. okay. i know i can do better than that. my jeans are getting tighter by the day. WTF.
7. i will begin pulling some A's by dedicating four hours to studying while at work today. voila!
8. wardrobe update= expensive. so i'm gonna start with cleaning out what i have, looking for outfit ideas in lookbooks, checking out savers next weekend and DOING LAUNDRY.
9. as for hair. that one has to wait a few more weeks until i get paid again and make an appointment with my lovely stylist. i am thinking of doing it a bit darker this time. my head is the color of brass. i'm well aware i came out of the womb with red hair, but the intense blond highlights didn't exactly help my cause.

-to be tacked onto my gym membership to motivate me a bit more is to be able to wear a bathing suit this year. everyone always bitches at me when i say i can't wear a swimsuit telling me i'm not fat. welp folks, i never claimed to be fat. and every time i try on a bathing suit, people understand. i am of average weight and height... but not of average...distribution, so to speak. basically i was blessed with great skin, straight teeth and perfect eyesight. god however decided to humble me with thunder thighs. it's in my family. and we're known for not wearing swimsuits. no one likes saddle bags. so- gonna try and work those puppies down. that's right. i just called my thighs puppies. at this rate i'll be smoking virginia slims and spending my friday evenings playing bingo in no time!

i think that this summer, i may pick up a second part-time job once school is out. just something to afford some fun-time now that i'm looking at a hefty rent.

speaking of which. i need to invest in a parking space. seriously, there is NO street parking at our new place.

we started moving last night, i think it's stressing kevin out more than it is me. i decided to just let go yesterday. let him have it his way. i mean fuck it. it's not worth it and he's taking this shit way too seriously. idk. that's him though. i guess i just gotta know when to give in. it kinda sucks though. decorating my living space is one of my favorite things to do, if not my all-time favorite thing. but that's being in a relationship. you lose things that make you the happiest and find new ones. so he can keep his furniture, and decorate however he wants, but that will come at a price.

my conversation with heather this morning kind of inspired me to play music again. but that means one of two things, i either have to mooch off someone else's expensive stuff or buy my own. gag.


ALRIGHTTTTT@!
i just paid my bills and have a little cash left over. i can eat for the next two weeks and maybe even do something fun lol. i cannot wait until my deposit and debt are paid off. i'm actually going to be making enough money to enjoy life.

so i need to come up with a healthy lunch option that is preferably cheaper than my current one. i'm gonna get on that for sure.


i need to start writing about other people than myself again. haha

yeah...yeah.

my eyes are heavy today. i just woke up two hours ago and already need a nap. i just keep telling myself that everything will be okay and everything will work out for the best. no matter what happens...

i guess we officially start moving today. meaning i'll probably be up late and tomorrow won't be fun, but it'll be good to start getting this over with.

i remember when this city used to be so amazing to me. it wasn't all that long ago, either. two years maybe? i used to walk around with my eyes opened wide. now i'm just kind of... disinterested. sure, there's plenty i don't know about in this town. and oodles of adventure i have yet to experience, but it just doesn't feel like enough.

i feel change coming on. it's time for me to start feeling better about myself. i am finally making money so i actually have some options.

1. pay off debt. this is always a goal. ugh fuck my spending habits.
2. get a gym membership
3. pay off school
4. do something fun. like yoga. or martial arts. for realz though.
5. fall asleep in a tanning bed. i know i make fun of girls who do it but jeez, my legs are disgusting white.
6. go on a loose diet.
7. pull some a's in my classes
8. clean out and update my wardrobe
9. figure out some sort of actual style for my hair, cause right now i look like a third grader whose parents don't give two shits about haircuts.


i deserve to feel good about myself. now if only i could make it so there were more hours in the day i'd be set.

el sol en mis ojos

when i was several years younger, i used to lay in the front yard in my shorts and a tee shirt. or maybe in a sun dress. and i'd stare up into the sun and wait for it to make me feel whole again.

i'd slow my breathing and focus on the individual touch of each blade of grass as it gave way to my weight, or caressed my skin; giving thanks to my presence.

and i'd first squint, then i'd close my eyes and my eyelids would go from black to orange.

every time a cloud would block the sun i would wait patiently for it to return.

all the while i would think. well mostly i'd dream. and make plans. and come up with schemes. i was a schemer. i made lots of plans so my days would never blend together.

sometimes my soft black dog would lay with me. i would prop my head up on the side of her belly and let her hind legs wrap around my shoulder. she used to be my best friend.

i hate growing up.
i wish she was still my best friend.
but we've both changed.

maybe i will go see her tonight.

ashes

the last time i ever saw my dad he was in a little box, covered in black velvet. all that was left of him was four handfuls of ashes. my mom and i escorted him down to his favorite river bank and helped him out of his box. we laid him afloat on the water and watched him head downstream.

how could he burn down to only being four handfuls big? i don't know, but i've never liked it. he was so much more to me.

so much more than four handfuls of dad. but that's all that was left. four handfuls of ash and a few bigger knobs of bone left. no bright blue eyes, or sandy brown hair. no freckles and the nose identical to mine. no chest to hug, no feet to follow...just some ashes.

of course i know that that's all we end up being. that when we die there's nothing left. but the impact he made on our lives. how tall he stood when he was here. his big comforting smile. it all becomes nothing.

i don't know how to explain it.
how can i justify my irrational awe?

i miss him.

all i have is a wallet and some pens that were in his pockets and a big coat that doesn't smell like him anymore. they took everything else. i, his only child, wasn't even entitled to a tee-shirt... or pictures. or anything. just what the hospital had.

i can't even find an obituary. it's like he never actually existed. not in life and not in death.
he doesn't have a headstone.
no grave.

i don't wake up everyday and see the home we lived in.
there's a small collection of photos, that i never get to see.

no dog of his.
no friends.
i don't even really know his family.

in fact, i'm not even 100% sure of how he died.

you make me feel

it's safe to say that over the past year we've been through everything. i have grown, you have grown. and here we are. we've laughed together and cried together and danced together and drank together. but there is still so much for us to do. and now you are stressed and i am stressed.

i know things aren't going to get easier for a while. and i also know we haven't seen the worst yet.

i'm just hoping you'll stick by my side through it all.

and i know you don't read this. and i know that you probably have no idea how much i love you. i know that you're scared and upset...just like me. and i wish i could do something more than i've done.

but this is about us. not you, not me...us. and i have done what i can do. the next few days promise to be stressful no matter what happens. but this time...for the first time ever, i am strong. and prepared for just about anything. and that means a lot to me. because for the first time i am scared, but i am in control of my life. i may have finally learned how to be alone. i don't know, and won't for sure until it's put to the test...i hope that is later rather than sooner. but i am confident in that.

my new favorite feeling is when i am riding the bus and the sun comes through the windows over the tops of buildings. it's so bright... i love to see everyone squint.

faith

please don't let me down now. we've come so far, and have so far yet to go. i know it's going to be hard. and i know you have to choose. but please, please don't let me down. i can't lose you now.

fake rabbits

it's strange watching a child grow. not that i have been there everyday so far for my nephew's first year, but he's the only baby to ever really be in my life. we're hanging out right now, watching bob the builder and i can't help but remember the day he was born.

or any of the several times he has done remarkable things. i remember when my mom used to scream go broncos!!! at him and he'd shout back at her. and now he can walk. and soon he'll be able to talk. it's just so strange to me.
last night i actually made a successful, delicious dinner. and i didn't use a recipe! i just went for it. i made chicken seasoned with garlic, minced onions and basil, sautéed in vegetable oil, with asparagus covered in olive oil, salt and pepper- baked for ten minutes and chicken flavored pasta. and it all turned out good. that's the magical part. i also made devil's food and cream cheese cupcakes which didn't turn out to be quite as delicious, but they were fun nonetheless.

kev and i laid around watching lost until 3 this morning. it was such a perfect, perfect night.

time to get packing, cleaning, and studying.

Of the State of War

"...he who makes an attempt to enslave me,
thereby puts himself into a state of war with me."
-john locke

i read this today.

shot down

it's been a little while. i keep thinking about writing and then i read the things that other people write and can't bring myself to type out a few meaningless diary style posts.. but here's the basic update of what i've been doing/thinking.
1. i tried to draw this week and i drew two pictures, showed them to two people and got shot down for sure. kinda squashed my ambitions of drawing. but i'm gonna keep trying anyway. this time around though, i'm keeping those bad boys to myself. who knew i'd actually feel kinda hopeful that they'd receive positive feedback after my long history of shitty sketches?

2. it's almost time to move. and i'm just ready to get the ball rolling! one more week... i'm still nervous about how the hell all of our stuff is gonna fit, but the benefits should be great. i'll finally be able to have friends over and i'm just incredibly excited for the location during the summer... i'm ready for homemade iced tea, late nights reading on the couch with the window open, kevin grilling some good burgers, beer in the park... i'm also INCREDIBLY excited for my little shih-tzu to come live with me again. i've missed the tiny little light of my life. i'm not even packing anything. it's all coming via my tiny little car. i have no clue how i'm transporting anything big and i am trying desperately not to ask my parents for help.

3. my younger brother is in jail...again. and i sucks more than ever before because i thought he had changed and we all thought he was stronger. but he's still the same old lying, manipulative guy. idk it's so hard to even express how i feel. incredibly let down. and i feel like someone just laid a freezing cold blanket over me. that's the best way to describe it. i mean as always i am happy for his safety, but i will miss him, and i mourn every time he goes away, because he won't learn. not until he wants to... my mom is disowning him for the time being. i doubt it'll last long before she's back to weekly visits and cash donations. he's her baby. sometimes i wonder if she'd be as dedicated to me if i fucked up.
i'd like to think so.

4. today cheryl ran and grabbed me starbucks since i can't really leave the building and i sent her a picture and she sent one back. pretty much made my day. :)

i basically have like 3 friends at work now. unfortunately one is an intern and won't be around for much longer...oh well, what can you do.

5. I'm seriously looking to transfer colleges, but i gotta find one with a good degree program first and then secondly, i need to find one that has a bunch of upper division classes at night. sigh.


anyway. i think that's a fairly good update. i'll write soon when i have something decent to say.

casual friday

in celebration of being able to wear jeans and my favorite bright yellow jacket, today's artist is Win Mortimer! to date, he is my favorite comic book artist, not that i know a whole lot about that style of art, but his bright colors and bold lines have grabbed my eye for many years.

he was born may 1, 1919 (that's nine years after my great grandmother!) and died in 1998. he's best known as one of the main artists of the DC comic books hero Superman!

during WWII, Mortimer found work making posters. he began working for DC comics in 1945 drawing superman, superboy and batman (batman is my personal favorite...just for the record, superman is probably second). he worked on a few strips for newspapers as well.

i'd really like to own issues #184 and #212. so expensive though...sigh.

let's see here. i foun this totally badass site, made JUST for people like me. it's a wiki site of lists! how badass is that?! http://lists.wikidot.com/start

check it out. it has some of the coolest lists ever. one time, in 8th grade, morgan and i got so bored, we tried to make lists of every movie we'd ever seen. it was one of the best afternoons i've ever spent. maybe i'll try to do it again just for the heck of it. i got up into the thousands and kinda gave up last time.

the people at work are kinda warming up to me which is nice...

so now i'm kinda interested in learning more about comics...but i need a good mentor. someone to take me under their wing and show me this gigantic and overwhelming world. comic collection is like a fine art, it's hard to just jump into it and know where to start. hmph. any volunteers? i'll even call you sensai. c'moooon.

random thought: can someone teach my grandmother how to text message PLEASE? i miss her mucho but who has the time for phone conversations these days anyway? surely not i.


this was supposed to be posted on like friday, so i'm gonna post it now and do some catch-up

diana kohne

yawn... it seems like no matter what i do, i am destined to be exhausted. i can go to bed an hour earlier, wake up 20 minutes later... the fact is, if i wake up before 9 a.m., i'm going to be tired. and that is all. so i began my day with plenty of soda and coffee. so far... it's not really helping.

we're celebrating the superbowl at kevin's this year...not gonna lie, i have no clue who is even in it. ha. but it makes me think of this time last year. on the last superbowl sunday, morgan helped me curl my hair in our bathroom, i tried to look pretty cause i was meeting members of kevin's family for the first time. it was fun, i was nervous and they were nice. i wonder who all will be there this year...? i'm looking forward to it.

anyway, now that i've blabbed about myself (i'm no longer keeping a print journal so i kinda keep track of my thoughts here), today's illustrator/ artist is Diana Kohne. now i haven't done any research on her and i just happened to find her images on the web, but lord... she's good. her style is incredibly unique and i'm drawn to her sporadic lines and her interesting use of color, or lack thereof. i am really curious what mediums and supplies she uses. i know she mostly doodles in sketchpads, and scans the images into her flickr account. it's inspiring...i wish i had time to doodle. or create anything. between school and work i barely have time to eat and sleep i think.

i'm also looking to learn. i need to find some decent tutorials on some computer programs. just office programs and maybe some photo editing/manipulation ones too. i know the 'basics' of a lot of programs, but i have huge holes in my framework, because i've never had any formal education on anything like that. i've just picked up stuff along the way. i could also use to learn to type properly. i'm at like 50 some odd wpm but i have chicken fingers. i just wanna learn, okay?

speaking of learning, my single class that i'm taking at the moment is such a handful, but wow. i'm like a sponge. it's a political ideology class and it's great. i've found that i'm becoming a much more skilled reader as well. my philosophy classes are paying off. i read a document by Spinoza two days ago and wrote a three page summary of what i read. it was such a breeze! when i turned it in my professor said Spinoza is exceptionally difficult to read, i felt accomplished. who knows though. by sunday night, i will have read documents by pericles, plato, aristotle, machiavelli, hobbes, hume, kant, mill, locke, tocqueville, montesquieu, smith, nozick and nietzsche. i'm excited to compare styles. many of the documents i have already read, or at least read excerpts from, but none recently except for hume. and i have a huge essay outline due on tuesday...so this should be good.

blah blah blah, but if nothing else, at least this blog is saving my boyfriend from all this boring chatter.

sigh. time to go distribute mail.

:)

okay.

after feeling like a fool about my last post i have decided to become a more productive... or at least more interesting blogger. since i work at an ad agency, i get some exposure to the world of illustration, so i'm gonna try and feature some artists in the blog. i'm also a picture pack rat, and am a sucker for anything visually pleasing. SO today's artist is Michele Melcher:

she like weird things, "the weirder, the better." she says. she works in a studio filled with vintage pet squeaker toys who stare at her while she labors over her sketches. she drew pictures of everyone in her high school, which is neat because my favorite aspect of her art is her attention to details and line work in her portraits.

everything has a bit of a darker side, which appeals to pretty much everyone.

her artwork reminds me of a social commentary, she draws people she labels as hipsters, and make art out of celebrities, alive and long gone. it's just neat to see someone else's view of the world and the people in it. her dark outline around everything is what catches my eye most... oh how i wish i could capture facial features like she does.


anyway, this is a work in progress. hope that was at least a bit more interesting than my normal ranting.

the next 13 minutes

of my life will be devoted to blogging. which is essentially useless because i filter and screen what i say cause i have no clue who reads this, so basically everything i talk about is essentially a retelling of events. how boring and gay. but. i'm doing it anyways. so i stay sane. i don't have any friends, and i barely talk to my family. so this is my 'outlet' so to speak. it's kinda like having a very quiet friend, that isn't close enough to bitch to, but who loves hearing my random thoughts and enjoys updates on my life. how nice.

okay, basic insight to random drama time! my 'best friend' more like...pretty good friend, decided to start dating my ex bf. it's not one of those ex bf's you don't give a shit about and can't really remember his name anyway, but it's the one ex bf...of like 4 years. i really shouldn't care. but i do. it's not the fact that they're together, cause honestly that bugs me but i could live with it. it's the fact that she has now, for the second time, broken major friend code. i'm not exactly sure which one of us is which in that picture...but i guess we're both kinda both. honestly... really... i'm not all that torn up. but as i said before, idk who reads this nonsense...so i'll just leave it at that...


i dono what to say. i'm gay. blogging is gay... the best part of my day is my job. i like the color red. sometimes i think of weird things.


i was telling kevin this the other night. sometimes my mind wanders to exceptionally strange places and i catch myself thinking really odd thoughts and i have to stop and ask myself why i'm so weird.

like sometimes i'm sitting there, like on the bus in the morning. and i think to myself, "i wonder what would happen if i just got out a lighter and set my hair on fire. how would everyone react?!" or.. i'll be sitting in the passenger seat of the car and think "wonder how so-and-so would react if i just leaped out my door while the whole vehicle was still moving."

i think it means i'm either a. insane, or b. curious about people's reactions, specifically the reactions i'll likely never see.

and i'm not being self destructive most of the time, i guess my thoughts just lean toward these weird acts in terms of myself rather than those around me.

i have one minute left, so uhhh...

yep.

neglect

i guess i should explain why my blog is called 'blurred light'... my mother and i were talking the other day. i don't really remember the whole conversation, but she was talking about trips in the car, where she'd be falling asleep, and there would be a big blurred orange light through her eyelid every time her father drove past a street light. and i remembered this sensation. i guess i just never expressed that strange feeling in words. or how blurry lights are so beautiful when you're crying... idk kinda sounds dumb. but it makes sense in my head.

i've been slacking in school. i guess having an 8-5 job means i'm always gonna be tired after i get off and homework is kinda out of the question. i wish my class wasn't just reading and notes. i sit at a computer i could be utilizing all day. pfft. figures.

ANNND my computer froze last night while i was writing this...

work got a little more difficult today. the list of things don't know how to do is getting longer and deadlines are getting shorter. i sure hope lauren (the girl who trained me) stops in soon... if she doesn't i'm gonna have to ask my boss for help on some things i'd rather just ask her about.

i'll write today's post this afternoon.

lunch break

first real day at work...no more training and i have nothing to do so far. no seriously though, i'm really not sure what i'm supposed to be doing. i guess i'll find out in time what my morning duties are...or maybe it's just a slow day. i wish i could listen to music. my boss can see every website i browse to...so i'm keeping my web surfing down to a minimum. bossman is in late today so i have to sit at my desk for my break, which justifies my blogging. i feel like i don't ever have anything deep or meaningful to say. someday i will. and someday i'll share more than my agenda and actually dig into my thoughts and feelings. that's kinda why i'm including a picture with every post... to get some thought going. i figured it's as good a place as any. today's photograph makes me think of my old bedroom. my mum bought me a polaroid camera for christmas or my birthday or something a few years ago. i took a bunch of pictures and taped them all to my walls. i don't know what happened to them. after moving a few times they've all been lost. oh and we ceremonially burned one in a drunken rage one night. idk... today i'm thinking about the prospect of moving. there are so many little feelings with that topic. excitement, fear, joy, nervousness, eagerness, hesitation, planning, etc. it'll be nice to live with kevin...for real. not like how it's been for the past year. but i'm also scared. i think we need better planning, and i need to be more emotionally stable. it'll all come though. i'm more positive than anything else, and ready to start moving toward our future.

i feel like the stability i have been yearning for for so long is finally setting in. my life is feeling less like a hazy roller coaster full of blurred images and loud noises and more like a strategic board game. i know board game give a connotation of boring...but that isn't the case. life is far from boring... it's just not insane and in my face. i'm calling the shots.